Impulsive? Or Is This Just The Way I Am?

Many of us are not aware of how we are communicating and interacting with bosses, colleagues, friends and family. We are so busy and eager to get our point across. Here are some tips on how to slow down the process and be more effective on the interpersonal skills scale. The bottom line, in my opinion, is that it is ALL about communication.

What do you do if you interrupt frequently?

You usually get very excited to share your ideas and often may not realize that interrupting might be annoying to other people who are trying to speak to you. (I do this all the time!) One trick is to let people know that you are well-aware of the fact that you have the tendency to interrupt as in saying something like: "I know I have the tendency to interrupt and am in no way trying to be rude. Reality is that I really want to hear what you are saying, and sometimes can't process the information as quickly as I am hearing it." On a more practical note, try to let other people finish their sentences before you start speaking, as challenging as it is sometimes for many of us. Be a good listener, and remember that most of the time you will get your chance to speak in the end anyway.

What do you do if don't think before you speak?

If you tend to speak before being clear in your own mind about what your point is, how you want to say it, and what the outcome is that you are attempting to accomplish, you might want to consider this before having the conversation.

Literally stop and ask yourself: "What do I want to happen as a result of having this conversation?" Once you are clear on what your goal is (i.e. what you want to accomplish) you can then think about what you need to say, and/or ask for in order to get what you want.

What happens when you say things that you wish you could take back?

If you say something you wish you could take back, it's OK to go back to the person and ask again for clarification. For example, you might say "I have been thinking about our conversation and realize that I didn't quite say what I meant to say when I said XYZ." This will create the opening for new dialogue. Be prepared and sure that you have thought through what happened and what you want to say differently this time around.

What happens when you jump into serious discussions, issues or arguments without having all the facts first?

The less impulsive you are, the better. Easier said than done for sure sometimes. The best thing to do is hit the pause button. Wait until you have fully thought through the issue and have all of the facts before having any conversation that could become contentious (either personally or professionally). Review in your mind what you know about the issue. Separate fact from speculation, and speak only to the facts. If you find that most of what you "know" is speculation, you need to gather more information before you can have an intelligent opinion on the issue. Start asking questions to find out more. This will help you avoid having emotionally-charged interactions as opposed to productive, constructive conversation.

It is all about being conscious, and always learning new ways of being and doing.

Have a productive day, and remember to stop, pause and think at least once.

It works. It really does.

Coach Nancy

ADHD-Friendly Bosses… Do They Really Exist?

(Yes and don’t settle for anything less) As an ADHD adult and a veteran broadcasting professional of 25 years, the subject of bosses who are sensitive to the behaviors and needs of someone with ADHD (I will use ADD & ADHD interchangeably) is close to my heart. Whether you are ADD or not ADD, let's face it, millions of us are feeling out of control with the demands/data to handle in a day and stressed, overwhelmed and distracted by it all.

My bosses each had a profound impact on me. ADHD or not, anyone who has ever spent time in the workplace has good boss/bad boss stories. It wasn’t until well after I was diagnosed that I began to understand that I had as much of a responsibility to educate them as they had to "boss" me.

In the end, it is about a collaborative partnership (or not). In the workplace, we face predictable and complex challenges. Some of us are hypersensitive, some of us have issues around authority and for some, it might be our impulsiveness or disorganized tendencies. Realistically, we do have an opportunity today to educate those around us so that we can work more effectively together.

In television media sales, my job went something like this: I was selling commercial time for 20 television stations while simultaneously reporting to four levels of management. There were constant interrogations, demanding and often hostile media buyers working on unreasonably tight deadlines, phones ringing off the hook, people screaming at each other from their cubicles, 50 emails with threats and demands every two hours and on and on. Although this type of work and I were a “match made in ADD heaven," when my alignment with management was off, my job went from fun to excruciatingly unbearable.

When it comes to bosses, it’s pretty simple. There are two distinct types: those who get it, are open minded and willing to understand and accommodate us with our different way of processing and thinking, and those who don’t and won’t. The ADD-friendly bosses all had similar profiles and so did I when I worked for them.

On the other hand, there were others that I would call the non–ADD friendly or “bad” boss variety. Paul is a perfect example. He and I inherited each other. It was soon clear that our styles and values were not aligned. My personality, and highly verbal, non-linear approach to problem solving drove him nuts, and he in turn drove me nuts by micromanaging, criticizing me publicly and questioning and dismissing every move I made. You can only imagine how effective that strategy was! Most of my efforts to communicate with him fell on deaf ears, and that alone was pretty scary and humiliating. He looked for shortcomings. The more he looked, the more he found!

As a result, I found myself beginning to gossip as a way of feeling connected and belonging. I became paranoid. It was like Murphy’s Law; anything that could go wrong did. I spent more time trying to cover my tracks than selling (not a great strategy). The constant negativity was draining and even I couldn’t stand to hear myself complaining anymore.

My next manager who I will call Christina was a great example of an ADD-friendly boss. She not only recognized my strengths but continuously supported me around my weaknesses, which was critical to my sense of well-being and steady job performance. She was consistent, patient and non-judgmental. She would often say “Come in. I’ll help you. Don’t worry.” When my assistant left, she made sure that I got a very experienced new assistant which was essential to my effectiveness. She respected me for the competent professional I was.

As a result, I was highly productive, engaged and very happy. Sales increased, and I eventually developed a Mentoring Program at that company which became an integral part of their training platform.

The point is this: Even in the worst case scenario, I had to learn to intelligently advocate for myself until I could find another job. What we need to know is that we have a responsibility to find workplace situations that work for us… not the other way around. Living with ADHD, whether boss or being bossed, is no picnic for anyone.

Strategies For Success:

Survival tips from a pro that survived!

• Identify and write down what you need to maximize your effectiveness at your job and be willing to articulate it clearly to your boss so you can develop strategies together.

• Don’t be afraid to ask for small accommodations that might enable you to make big changes.

• Advocate for yourself: If you are suddenly flooded with too much information, don’t hesitate to ask the person to please repeat what they said. I learned to say “Would you please repeat that? I’m a slow thinker.” No one has ever refused or laughed at me for asking!

• Follow through: If you say you are going to do something, do it, or let your boss know why you aren’t doing it. This minimizes frustration on his or her part and paranoia on yours.

• Write everything down 24/7, and review it incessantly. Some might call it compulsive… For me, it is freedom! Fall in love with your calendar and refer to it constantly.

• Clarify, clarify, clarify when you feel confused at all. Take the risk even if you think that you “already asked once." You’ll be glad you did.

• Accept yourself. Become willing to put away the old hammer, and replace it with a beautiful feather. It’s time.

Hope this helps someone out there.

Have a productive day, and remember to take care of yourself! It is your responsibility to do so; no one else can really do it for you.

Coach Nancy

Influencer Series: Filomena Fanelli

Impact PR & Communications CEO and Founder Filomena Fanelli is a 16-year industry veteran with an affinity for helping tell her clients' stories - and every single one of them has one. Often called a publicity hound - a title she happily embraces - Fanelli serves as the firm's chief strategist, working with a diverse array of large and small businesses to deliver crucial media placements, develop individually tailored messages and produce consistent, thoughtfully-crafted content that adds up to just the right kind of exposure. Fanelli got her start at one of New York City's most prominent public relations firms, Rubenstein Associates, where her can-do attitude helped her quickly rise through the ranks to become a vice president, before freelancing and - most recently - taking the entrepreneurial plunge. The Distracted Executive: As an entrepreneur, what is the greatest challenge in your business today, and what are you doing to address it?

Filomena Fanelli: When I launched my own firm back in April, I created a list of goals I wanted to achieve in a year's time, thinking that some were definitely attainable and others would be a stretch. Luckily for me, it was manifest destiny. I managed, with the support of some very talented colleagues and incredible clients, to meet and exceed every single item on that list. The next challenge is to reach higher and set new benchmarks for success. I already have a date on the calendar to do so and will spend a entire day envisioning the year ahead and creating a next-level plan. Here's to continued growth!

TDE: What are the biggest distractions that you deal with every day? What is your go-to solution?

FF: Competing deadlines are a constant challenge. At any given moment, a reporter may reach out for a last-minute interview, a client may have a brilliant idea to run by me, or a press release may need to be sent out to the media. Add emails and a ringing phone or two to the mix and the distractions are many. My job is to quickly assess the priority level - not everything is "roof-on-fire urgent" - and to coordinate accordingly. My way of keeping it all in check is old-fashioned, but it absolutely works. I rely on a simple spiral notebook and a handwritten to-do list. I keep tabs on all tasks and write them out in order of priority. The key is to stay flexible and know when it's time to assign new numbers to each of the items on the list or to delegate. One event or phone call can change the entire plan! Since my job also involves feedback and materials from others, I keep a separate log with notes on owed items or answers I'm expecting back from others. This second list helps tremendously.

TDE: Give my readers one tip on how to keep it all together these days.

FF: I have a saying that sums up my philosophy: Work like there's no tomorrow. Since I, like all of you, don't what the next day holds - we could get ill, a child could have an emergency, a client could have a last-minute need or an unforeseen IT issue might derail the day (this last one happened to me recently) - making the most of the present keeps me one step ahead. I even optimize my off-hours or down time, reading newspapers before the day begins and checking easier items off my list before things get really busy. It helps me feel accomplished and as in control as possible.

TDE: How do you deal with interruptions/distractions all day long?

FF: Technology is a blessing, but it can also be an enormous distraction. I set aside specific times to manage social media accounts and to deal with routine emails and phone calls. One tip that has worked well for me is keeping my personal email in a separate account, that way I'm not tempted to view it until I'm good and ready to.

TDE: You manage people and work with some people who are all over the place. How do you deal with someone who is very distracted and not giving you what you need?

FF: I start by setting clear expectations - what I need, when I need it by, etc. - so that the proper parameters are in place. Then I leave the lines of communication open. I ask everyone I work with to let me know if they have questions; I truly don't mind if they do. I also request that they let me know if they run into an issue or a delay, understanding that things do happen sometimes. If all of that fails, I try to meet them where they are. Not everyone has the same work style, so I note who likes to work when and how. Some clients prefer to talk a project through by phone, others favor email or text. Some are most responsive first thing in the morning, while others are night owls. I keep that in mind when there are deadlines to be met.

TDE: Priorities. Everything seems important or urgent these days. How do you efficiently navigate your to-do list and calendar?

FF: Simply put, I have learned to say "no" when I need to. Being realistic about how much time is needed for each meeting or project is essential. So is resisting the urge to fit one more thing in. It's important for me to keep my promises, whether it's to my clients, the media I work with or my family members. Being honest about my time makes me a better businessperson and a happier individual. It also shows respect for those around me.

You can contact Fanelli by email at filomena@prwithimpact.com or by phone at 845.462.4979. Visit Impact PR & Communications online at prwithimpact.com.